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Wednesday, 04 July 2012
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Land of the Free
Happy Fourth of July to all my US girls! <3
Instead of my USUAL ranting and complaining today, I'm going to just say that for all the things in my life that I whine about and take for granted - I really do love this country and I feel so blessed to live here.
Time to rock some red, white, and blue, listen to some rock and roll, and eat some corn on the cob!
Red, White, and Blue! Happy Birthday, America. <3
Have fun and be safe tonight, everyone! Peace, love, and kisses!
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
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How About That?
UGHHHHHHHHHHHKLFDJSFKDJLSKJFLDKSJFLKDJSLKFJDLK.
It's like my brain WANTS me to stay fat. It's like I'm afraid of finally being thin and feeling attractive, because then I won't have anywhere to hide. I've been trapped like this for years - It's like I can't change.
I need a serious dose of self-control because I CANNOT keep living like this. I can't keep shoveling food into my face. I can't keep hiding in my room because I feel awful about how I look, only to go back downstairs later and eat more. I can't avoid shopping because I'm afraid of what size I'll need. I can't constantly be worried that people are judging me and secretly don't like me, just because I'm a little pudgier. I can't sit out on everything fun just because I'm afraid people will see me. I can't do it anymore... I can't.
I need to make a change. If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten. So it's time to do something different, and to work towards being the ME that I really am - not this fat, insecure slob who can't seem to do anything right.
Camp training has been all this week, and I'm going to have to wear shorts starting Friday. I'm absolutely terrified... My legs look like two giant slabs of whale blubber... the campers are going to be disgusted.
Starting Weight: 218 (end of last summer)
CW: 202
GW1: 195
GW2: 185
GW3: 175
GW4: 165
GW5: 155
UGW: 145If I really apply myself these next few weeks, I'll bet I could at least make it to GW1 by the time school starts again. I had big dreams for being thin and gorgeous and confident on our family vacation to Colorado this summer, but it's only a month away, so it looks like I'll be white-water rafting in a baggy t-shirt and avoiding the resort swimming pool at all costs, after all. But by Christmas, goddamnit, I WILL weigh 185 or less.
<This could have been me this summer... if I wasn't such a fat ass! 
Anyways... "I don't think anybody could ever criticize me more severely than I viciously criticize myself." True story.
PEACE AND LOVE, GIRLIES
Thursday, 07 June 2012
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She May Be Wrong. No, She's Right.
Whyyyyy?!?! WHYYYY?!?!?! It's like I have absolutely NO self-control. I'm so disgusted with myself right now. I lost twenty lbs over freshman year and now I'm just sitting on my ass, gaining it back like it's no big deal!
I refuse to go back to school weighing this much. I HAVE to turn myself around RIGHT NOW.
My mom so kindly pointed out this morning: "I can tell that you're home from school. All the bad food starts disappearing at a disgusting rate. This is why you look like that!"
Thanks mom. No, really. It's not like I've despised this body I'm trapped in since I was eight or anything. Your criticism only makes me feel more hopeless.I'm just pissed because she's right... I've been binge eating like the world is ending tomorrow.
I have all these things I want to be skinny for, and I keep sabotaging myself! I envision myself looking thin and gorgeous on the plane for vacation this summer... I would LOVE to be slim and fabulous when school starts back up in the fall. I have my realistic goal for thirty pounds less by Christmas this year - baby steps. Baby steps. I've GOT to do this.
Peace, love, and skinny, babes!! Please be strong - we're all stuck in this mad race together. <3
Saturday, 02 June 2012
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You Know It Feels Warmer
Well, mom - it wouldn't be the same if you didn't tell me I'm a disappointment at least ONCE before breakfast, now, would it?
Not only am I still reeling from the verbal slap in the face that my mom offered up as I sat there, avoiding pancakes, but I'm pissed off because she's right. I'm a huge disappointment. I'm lazy. I don't do anything important. I don't have goals.
But I'm going to change that! I'm GOING to be thin and confident and happy and go off and find something that I really love to do! I WILL.
I have to stop screwing up daily, though. I literally have the worst self-control of anybody I've ever known. I think that the longest I've ever been able to stick to my diet has been a grand total of two days in a row. Ever. And as soon as I take even the smallest bite of something bad - I screw myself over completely by giving up for the day and shoveling in food. That ends TODAY. It ends NOW. No more. If I make a tiny mistake and eat something that is less than healthy, I'll feel bad about it, but I WONT have a "Free Pass" to just continue to fuck up. It's ridiculous that I even have to train myself to do this, at this point, but clearly my self-control could use a little work.
My new job officially starts next week, and although I'm TERRIFIED by the prospect of wearing shorts in public all summer (Hello, ham slacks. Ugh) I'm excited by the thought that I'll be spending so much time exercising without even really noticing it (Hello, teaching campers how to kayak and going for short hikes through the woods!) and I'll be so busy that I can really focus on restricting my diet! It helps that I'll be in the woods and I won't have the chance to hop up from the couch and just screw myself over by raiding the pantry!
<Rosie is perfection. Girls think she's gorgeous. Guys think she's hot. I want to be her...
<Patriotic skinny?? I WISH I could look like this by the 4th of July, but unattainable, much? Wishing all of you lovelies strength and willpower! It's hard, but we CAN'T keep giving up, beauties!
Sunday, 27 May 2012
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She's a Travesty
Why do I consistently fail?
Sorry, girls - today is just going to be one long rant... Feel free to skip ahead to the thinspo at the end if you want to avoid all the mindless, frustrated babble in-between....It's like I WANT myself to stay this way forever. No matter how amazing I do, it's ALWAYS one step forward and two steps back. My goal for this summer was (and still is...) to lose twenty pounds. Well - not only have I managed to get nowhere on losing weight - but I've actually gained three pounds. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I'm tired of hating the person I see in the mirror. I'm tired of my body image issues spilling over into every other part of my life and making me afraid to try new things. I'm tired of being told I have a "pretty face." I'm tired of having to buy new fat jeans because my thighs always rub holes on the inseam. I'm tired of having that constant fear that I actually will end up alone forever. I'm tired of making excuses to avoid going swimming so I don't have to wear a bathing suit. I'm tired of sitting and watching my waistline expand. I'm just goddamn tired of being too tired to change my own life!!
I'm miserable - I'm pretty sure I'm floating close to rock bottom. This is my chance to turn it around. I'm seriously going to stop making excuses for myself - "Oh, the neighbors are out so I'll just go for a walk later..." I don't care who sees me flopping around the neighborhood anymore, I'm not giving up just because I'm afraid of how I look when I run in shorts. "Oh, my favorite tv show is on, so I'll just skip my workout tonight." No! Hell no! I'm going to get a lot more enjoyment out of wearing size 6 shorts than I am out of sitting through a mediocre tv show that I can just watch on Hulu later...
No more excuses. No more waiting. No more putting it off until tomorrow.
I was sitting in church this morning, thinking about how much I have to do to fix myself and I was watching this woman sitting two rows in front of me. She's massive. I'd guess at least 300 pounds... She's a nice lady, but there's a LOT of her - and she doesn't exactly know how to dress to hide it. She likes to wear these flimsy maxi-dresses that I dream of wearing ONE day, when I'm thin. But I was studying her today... taking in her flabby arms and her back flab and the fact that she sort of looks like she's pregnant with a lumpy baby... And I decided that I CANNOT let myself go to that level. I have to stop now, or I'll end up exactly like her (minus the deep smokers voice, maybe...)
The other thing I have to change is the fact that once I slip up, I destroy myself. If I don't eat anything all day, and then I make a bad decision and eat a cookie... I eat two. And then three. And then four. And then some chips. And then some soda. I need to learn that its okay to make a mistake, but I'm not solving anything by saying "Screw it - I'll just eat everything in the pantry and start fresh tomorrow." Because I have a LOT more "I'll start fresh tomorrow" days than actual "Starting fresh" days.
Anyways - sorry ladies. I'm tired and cranky and I'm just really frustrated with myself lately... Hopefully I'll be throwing out more words of encouragement once I get my life back on track...
Here's the thinspo you were promised <3
Bye-bye, pale and puffy beached whale. Hello, happiness - here I come!
Love you all! <3 Mwah'!
XXsavemeXfrommeXX
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- Name: XXsavemeXfrommeXX
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 6/25/2008
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Red, White, and Blue-themed thinspo post! Happy Birthday, America!
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So much going on right now! Overwhelmed!
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